So, you guys know those mom blogs that are all warm and fuzzy and so excited about having kids, because it totally changed their lives and they can't imagine doing anything else for the rest of their lives now that it has complete and utter purprose?
Yah...this is NOT one of those blogs.
Getting married and having kids has been the best/worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Let's continue!
So before I had kids and stuff - I was on this whole path/evolution of finding myself and being who I truly wanted to be.
Photo by Tye & Emily Photography
I got married and the craziest thing happened. I know it's a cliche - but its so easy to lose yourself in another human being. The scariest thing is, you don't even realize you're doing it. Until a "Sure honey I'll eat here. Fine we can watch that. Okay, I'll go out with your friends tonight." Turns into a blur of not knowing where you began and the other person started.
You are trying so hard to please your spouse, or do everything together, all of the time.
Okay, now add kids into that mixture. This is (or can be) the Atomic Bomb of losing yourself. Because you go from a single, only worried about taking care of yourself adult - to full spin in the other direction: having to give yourself completely to another person. Your time, your sleep, your energy.
And then in American we have this crazy, unspoken culture that in Mom Life - this is how it's supposed to be. We're painted this picture that spectacular moms come out with their newborns attached to their boobies, while they stay at home and knit them blankets and teach them their ABC's in 5 different languages. That when they're toddlers, we cut the crust off their sandwiches and make them cute vibrant, make-shift faces on their lunch plates out of fresh garden veggies and fruits, while wearing an apron and heels ready for hubby to come home to a spotless house any moment.
And not to mention the fact that THIS is now your life.
This is the unspoken thing: that women have to give up themselves to raise their children.
See above: Hanging out living your best life before kids, vs after kids.
What they used to do..GONE. At least for 5 years until your kids go to school. When your kids go to school maybe you can get your life back. But for now, nope. Give up your career. Get a part time job so you can be at home with the kids. Because, that's what "good moms" do.
And on top of that, let's not mention that you've stopped doing your hair, none of your clothes fit because you birthed a football and now the body you used to know for 20 something years is some blob you don't recognize in the mirror. And you think about your past life like Archie Bunker singing "those were the days...".
Okay, but here's the good news: It doesn't have to be like this.
The best thing I'm learning right now is to give the straight up middle finger to other people's thoughts, opinions and ideas! of how you should live your life.
And I know it sounds like some angry, teenager rap song - but it's true. You must make yourself a priority, or others will live YOUR life for you. Gladly!
I realized I used to be my own person with my own idea of how I should live my life.
Then after these 2 life changing events happened, I became a shell of myself.
I traded in me for the idea of who I needed to be in these seasons. An amazing spouse, completely devoted to succumbing under my husband 25/7. And a mom who puts her life, dreams, sensuality, love for herself on hold - so I could raise tiny humans and give them my full cup.
UhhHH no thanks! This is the quickest way to burnout, depression, and growing up to resent a decision that is supposed to ADD to your life - not take it away completely.
So if you've found yourself in this place, the good news is - there is HOPE..
And it starts with breaking away, and start BEING YOUR OWN PERSON.
Oh how painful this is because its going to go against your routine and the way you've trained yourself to think for some time now.
But I've been learning that my happiness is PARAMOUNT over EVERYTHING. And it has to be.
It sounds incredibly selfish - but it's not. Why do we praise giving yourself away completely to exhaustion, burnout and being a carbon copy of who you were? But we don't praise falling in love with yourself, becoming obsessed with being the best version of yourself - so you live out of a full cup, overflowing enough to give to those around you who need it the most!
So if you've found that you've lost yourself - it starts with, ironically, FINDING YOURSELF again.
What do you love to do?
I was shocked a couple of weeks ago when my hubby asked me what I like to do for fun. I was like uhh, wtf idk. I stay at home, sit on my computer and endlessly scroll, and roll my eyes, and yell at kids.
In the wake of losing friends and loved ones - lately I've been thinking...is this how I want to live? If I died tomorrow, would I be happy with the last life I was living today.
If the answer is HECK NO (as mine is), it is time to change that NOW.
Find yourself.
"Who were you before someone told you who you were?"
What do you love to do? What makes you happy? What are some things that bring you joy? When was the last time you laughed super hard? When was the last time you were doing something and you were like: "I LOVE THIS!" and felt it in every tissue of your body?
Breaking away and becoming your own person again, is the best gift you can give yourself.
Good luck! I am here for you - we're on this journey together ; )
xoxo stay beautiful,
fatima